No Other Way
by SVU-Obsessed
Summary: A little Nem songfic set right after the hostage crisis. Emily tries to deal with her new reality and what's to come next.


_Just a random little Nem fic set right after the Metro Court hostage crisis. Set to "No Other Way" by Jack Johnson, off the the greatest summer CD of all time, "In Between Dreams" Enjoy! Reviews are always appreciated!

* * *

_

_When your mind is a mess_

_So is mine, I can't sleep_

'_Cause it hurts when I think_

_My thoughts aren't at peace_

Emily

The weight of the blankets, the smell of the room, the sound of the breathing beside me were exactly as I had remembered them. But everything felt so alien and distant. I sighed softly and rolled over to check the clock. 2:07. I wasn't going to get anymore sleep for awhile. I slipped out from between the covers, picked up my robe, and tiptoed over to the window seat in our bedroom.

It had been eleven days since the Metro Court. Six days since my dad had died. Five days since Nikolas had proposed. Five days since I officially moved back in with him. Four days since the extensive security renovations were finished on Wyndmere. And now, seven hours before they would be ready to release my dad's body and we would have to make the funeral arrangements. I moved the curtain aside slightly, light slicing across the room. The new glass was frosted, but not so much so that I couldn't see the thick layer of snow that had covered the ground while I was sleeping. Or trying to.

I slept fitfully whenever I could sleep. The hostage situation had been bad enough, but with my dad dying so soon after, I was a wreck. It all seemed too familiar to me, someone I love dying, traumatic events, nearly losing everyone that I care about. I was able to sleep for an hour or two at a time before a nightmare would wake me up, leaving me clammy and my heart pounding. But the nightmare wasn't the worst part. Not by a long shot. I would wake up and realize it was all true.

I heard Nikolas climb out of bed and stop at Spencer's crib, which had been moved into our room. He came over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I felt myself melt into him, laying my head against him, pulling him in tight. I hated being weak. I hated crying. I hated anyone else having to deal with my problems, but I just felt like it was completely beyond me for now. So I let him help me.

"I didn't mean to wake you," I whispered.

He sat down beside me and kissed the top of my head. "You didn't," he murmured into my hair. "I was up."

I bit my bottom lip. I didn't want to start crying, not now. "Nightmares?"

"I never fell asleep." Even before the mess had started, he had been having trouble sleeping, terrified for Spencer. I knew when he couldn't sleep he would get up and catch up on work, or read, or if he was wide awake, go for a run on the treadmill in the exercise room down the hall. But ever since I had gone back to Wyndmere, he was there beside me every time I woke up.

"Em," he whispered. "There was nothing else you could have done."

Guilt had been consuming me. Robin had a severe infection from the makeshift surgery I had performed and with her compromised immune system, I didn't know how much better she would be able to get. I hadn't been able to save my dad. Elizabeth was still in the hospital, drugs being pumped through her to prevent preterm labour that would almost certainly kill both of them. Lulu had been released three days after the hostage situation ended, but was back in the hospital within two days from an infection. Max had gone through a second surgery only two days ago to try and repair the damage the bullet had done. The hospital had sent me home to rest, but I knew they were short of doctors and nurses, with half of the hospital dealing with the aftermath.

"I should have been able to do something. I should have saved my dad."

His grip tightened around me. "You did everything you could."

This would go nowhere, and he would just feel bad. "I guess so." I wrapped my fingers around his forearm and listened to his heart beating, soft and steady.

"Come back to bed," he said softly.

I nodded against him, then slowly followed him back into bed. My limbs felt like lead. He slowly pulled me into him, wrapping one arm around my waist, leaving the other out for me to lie on. I rolled over to face him. I didn't know what I wanted to say, but I didn't feel right going to sleep without telling him everything I needed to say. Because I didn't know if I would get the chance to in the morning. I thought I had time with my dad, but he was gone before I knew what was happening.

"I love you," he whispered, his lips brushing against my forehead. "We'll get through this together, I promise."

I closed my eyes to keep from crying. "I love you too."

* * *

Nikolas

I used to always think people were being dramatic when they talked about being in pain when someone they loved was in pain. I had failed a paper in high school because I refused to conform to the notion that it was possible. But here in the dark, with Emily lying listlessly in my arms, I knew that wasn't true. She had been through more than anyone should ever have to go through, and in such a short period of time. I was to blame for some of that, and that was unforgivable. But somehow she had forgiven me, and I managed to have her back with me.

I would do anything to make her stop hurting.

She had finally fallen asleep, but it was far from peaceful. When she slept, she dreamed, and when she dreamed, they became nightmares. She looked tired, pale, thin. I was worried, but I felt too guilty to say anything. All I could do was lie beside her, and try and comfort her when she awoke.

Day-to-day, I felt my body start to give out on me, a sure sign of my lack of sleep. I continually walked into tables, simply unaware of what's going on around me.

But it was for Emily. It didn't matter.

* * *

I guess I eventually drifted off, because when I woke up, it was after eight, and the bed was empty. I got out to check on Spencer, only to find him smiling up at me from his bassinette, an empty bottle beside him.

"Where'd your mama go?" I asked him softly, picking him up. I carried him over to the kitchen to look for Emily. I hadn't told her that I was teaching Spencer to call her mama; I wanted it to be a surprise whenever he decided he was ready to talk. Emily was back with me, back for good, and I wanted him to be aware of that and to make Emily a part of his life. She would be his mother.

In the kitchen, I found her usual breakfast- an enormous mug of coffee, a glass of orange juice, and two slices of toast lying on the counter. There had been a bite or two out of the toast, and maybe a sip of the orange juice was gone.

In my arms, Spencer was grabbing my fingers. "You're getting stronger, aren't you? We'll have you out riding horses by the summer." Spencer squealed and pounded his fist against my arm. I kissed the top of his head, then adjusted him into one arm, leaving the other free to open the door. Our room was empty, but I heard something coming from down the hall. I put Spencer into his playpen and followed the noise. I pushed against one slightly open door.

"Em?" I asked softly. I turned on the light and found her on the floor beside the toilet. Her face was pale and clammy. She looked up and me and whispered something I couldn't hear. I sat down beside her.

"I can't do this," she repeated hoarsely. I sat down beside her. She had her legs pulled into her so tightly, arms wrapped around them, that I didn't want to come too close. "I can't do the fighting and the arguments and the blame and. . . all the Quartermaine drama. It's too much." She released herself from her position and leaned over the toilet to dry-heave.

As twisted as this sounds, that's the moment I realized that this was absolutely was going to be with her forever. Instead of recoiling, I moved closer to her. I didn't feel disgusted, only frustration at not being able to help her.

She leaned back against the wall and I got her a cold facecloth. I folded it and gently pressed it against her forehead.

"Thanks," she whispered in a flat tone. Her watch started beeping. She looked down, turned it off, and groaned. "I have to go."

"Em. . . if this gets too much, we can get on a plane, be anywhere, even if it's just for the afternoon. . ."

She closed her eyes and nuzzled against my neck. "I love you," she whispered.

And then she broke down and cried.

_Words can fall short  
Can't see the unseen  
Cause the world is awake  
For somebody's sake now  
Please close your eyes woman  
Please get some sleep_

Emily

Time had gone by so slowly that I sometimes had to check the clock to find out that it was, in fact, still moving. But despite that, my dad's funeral came up fast, too fast, so fast that the night before it happened it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Nikolas had allowed Leslie to take Spencer for the night. I think he wanted to show me that he was focused on me. And I appreciated what he was doing. Intellectually, I knew that what he was doing was kind and considerate and chivalrous. But I felt more like a burden, the pink sobbing elephant in the room. I didn't know how to act anymore. This all felt very familiar to me, having lost so many people, having lost my mom, thinking I had lost Nikolas. . . but I felt paralyzed this time.

It was probably just the post-traumatic stress talking.

I was so tired that I felt like I was walking inside a cloud. Sleep had been scarce, and it was catching up to me. Food didn't have any appeal to me, and whatever I did eat I threw up immediately. I desperately wished for life to go back to normal.

But I knew this feeling. And I knew that there was no such thing as normal. Not as what it ever was. Not ever again.

I had gone to see my mom for dinner. Neither of us ate much. Or said much. We understood what was going through each other's minds, and we both knew it was better not to speak.

When I got back, Nikolas had drawn a bath for me. I turned down his offer for company and soaked in the lavender scented water, trying to make sense of everything around me. After my bath, I pulled on a pair of pajamas and curled up in bed.

My mind was racing through a debate as to whether or not to dry my hair. It seemed to be the most important thought I'd had in days. If I didn't dry it, it would be a mess. But was that what I wanted? Were you supposed to look presentable at your dad's funeral? Who did you ask something like that? And how? On the other hand, I was tired, and it was too much effort. I finally settled on not drying it. I shivered against the pillow, my hair still dripping down my back.

Nikolas came into the bedroom and pulled me into him. He pulled my hair out of the way and expertly ran his hands up and down my back, softly kneading out the knots that had been building for days.

"Em," he whispered, his fingers still running along my spine. "I'd do anything to make you stop hurting."

I turned my body around and rested my forehead against his. "I know you would," I whispered. I wanted to add _but that won't make it stop_. I closed my eyes, wishing just for a second all of this could go away.

But wishing was futile. It hadn't done me any good in the past, and I didn't expect it to suddenly start working.

* * *

Nikolas

Emily was slipping away from me.

I don't know if was something that had happened all of a sudden, or something that had been happening bit by bit since the night at the Metro Court that I had been too caught up to notice, but she was slipping. I could hold her as tightly as I wanted, but she wouldn't, she couldn't keep from falling.

The silence between us seemed to stretch into forever. She didn't sleep, but didn't want me to know she wasn't sleeping. She wanted me to sleep. I didn't know how to hold her, to comfort her, to let her know that one day things would get better.

I was exhausted but not sleepy when we turned out the light. She lay still beside me in the silence for awhile before either of us moved, her arms folded rigidly into her, a dead giveaway that she wasn't sleeping. Finally she rolled over to face me. I pulled her in close to me, so close I could feel her breath on my collarbone.

"When I turned sixteen," she started, her voice steady and low, her eyes somehow staring into mine and looking straight past me at the same time, "I was really upset. It was the first birthday since my mom had died that I had spent clean, and. . . and I just missed her. It was my sweet sixteen, every girl should have her mother for her sweet sixteen. And Monica. . . she wasn't my mom. So instead of celebrating I decided to lock myself in my room, and I wouldn't let anyone in. But Alan decided to drag me out and took me to get my toenails painted and bought me a charm bracelet. And by the time he brought me back to the house, cook had made dinner and chocolate mousse for me, and everyone managed to make it through dinner without killing each other." She took a deep breath. "I think that was the first time I really felt like I was part of the family. When my family was gone, he made me part of his. And now that he's gone. . . where does that leave me?" Silently, tears started streaming down her face. She still stayed perfectly calm, the first time in a week.

"You still have the Quartermaines," I told her eventually. "You have Jason and Monica and Edward. . . hell, you have Tracy. And I want you here with me to build a family with me and Spencer." I kissed her softly. "I know I hurt you before, but I promise that I'm going to stay with you forever. I'm not going anywhere, Em. We'll get through this together."

Slowly she pretended to drift off to sleep. But she didn't sleep, not at all. I know because I spent the entire night pretending to be asleep too.

_K__now that if I knew  
All of the answers I would  
Not hold them from you  
Know all the things that I'd know  
Cause we told each other  
There is no other way_

Emily

The service was beautiful. Perfect, even. The flowers matched the chapel where we were holding the service, and it was packed to the brim. It made me proud to know that there were this many people who came to honour my dad's life.

Lulu sat up front, having only been allowed out of the hospital for the funeral. Lucky had left Elizabeth's bedside to be there. Luke sat solemnly in the corner, silently wedged beside Sonny, Milo, and Max, fresh from surgery. Carly and Michael sat discreetly in the middle, doing their best not to draw any attention to themselves. Nikolas sat on one side of me, his fingers laced tightly through mine, Jason on the other side, Monica leaning against him. I made it through the prayers. I managed to give the eulogy without breaking down. But on my way back to my seat, I found myself light headed with a tightness in my chest that I hadn't felt before. I quietly slipped out the side door.

Outside I started sweating, despite the freezing weather and not having a coat. The tightness in my chest got worse, and started breathing heavier. I felt dizzy and sick, tired and weak, like my legs could support me anymore.

"Em?" A voice asked, coming around the corner. Jason. "Are you okay?" His tone was concerned, quickly coming around to stand behind me. My defences weakened, I was finally too weak to fight it anymore. I wanted to be strong, to show my big brother that I was okay, but I couldn't.

"No," I managed to get out. "I'm not okay."

In front of me the world started to spin, the trees blending into each other, the path blending into the snow, all the cars blending together. The spinning got faster and faster.

And the last thing I felt before my world went black was Jason catch me.

* * *

My left arm felt cold and sore. There was a tightness around my right arm, and a beeping in my ear. The spinning had stopped, and everything slowly cleared in my vision. Beside me, Kelly was copying down vital signs from a monitor.

My vital signs.

Crap. I was at General Hospital.

"Hey you," she said in a tone softer than she normally used. "How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts," I managed. "And I'm kind of dizzy."

"Well, that's to be expected." She pulled up a chair beside my bed. I glanced down to see an IV sticking out of my left hand. "I know you've been through hell lately, but you have to start taking better care of yourself, for both of your sake."

She said too much at once for me to process. "What happened?"

"You lost consciousness at Alan's funeral. You're severely dehydrated and exhausted."

"It's been a long couple of weeks," I said softly.

"I know," she agreed sympathetically. "Which is why I asked Lainey to come down and see you."

"I don't need a shrink."

"I know, but I'd feel better if you talked to her."

I tried to bury myself deeper into my pillow. "Wait, why are you here? Shouldn't you be up in OB/GYN?"

"Noah Drake asked me to check on your baby's vitals."

I shot up which I immediately regretted, feeling like my brain was sloshing around in my head. "What baby?"

"Em, you're pregnant. Looks like two months."

I slowly laid back down and shook my head. "That's impossible."

She opened my chart and showed me the results of my labs. Pregnant.

"No, I'm on the pill. . . we're careful."

"You know neither are completely effective."

"I know I just. . . I need to process."

She nodded. "I'll be by later."

"Thanks Kelly," I said softly, and waited until she left before I allowed myself to think.

A baby.

Fuck.

* * *

Nikolas

"Are you up for some company?" I asked, knocking softly at Em's door. She still looked tired and pale, but some colour had returned to her face. She snapped out of whatever daze she had been in and smiled.

"For you, always."

I cringed. I felt like she was putting on a show, dancing on eggshells to say what I wanted to hear. "How are you feeling?"

"Not great," she grudgingly admitted.

"Dr. Drake told me that you're dehydrated."

She nodded. "I just haven't felt like eating lately."

"I know," I told her, sitting down on the corner of the bed, putting my hand on top of hers. "Actually, I don't know. And I'm sorry I've been pretending that I do. You went through so much at the Metro Court. More than I can ever dream of."

"You were there too."

"I didn't have Craig picking on me and holding a gun to my head the entire night."

"Nikolas," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"I just. . . I don't know what happens next. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here."

I studied Emily. The Emily who had loved me since before I had loved her, the Emily who would do anything for anyone without blinking. The Emily who had taken Spencer and loved him like her own, the Emily who had lost everything and still managed to rebuild her life over and over again. The Emily who was always strong as long as anyone else needed her, never for a second allowing herself to be weak. I turned myself around and lay down next to her, wrapping my arms around her. Her body remained rigid, but softened ever so slightly into me.

"We'll figure it out," I murmured into her hair. "We'll figure it out together. I promise."

_Too much silence can be misleading  
You're drifting, i can hear it  
In the way that your breathing  
We don't really need to find reason  
Cause out the same door  
That it came in, it's leaving  
_

Emily

I stepped out of the shower into the steamy bathroom four days later, finally feeling like I had washed the last of the hospital off of me. I towel dried and clipped my hair up, tied my robe tightly, and went out into our room to find Nikolas and Spencer on the bed together. They were both sprawled out on their stomachs, propped up on their elbows, making faces at each other.

I still hadn't told him. Or anyone. This doubt I had begun to feel in every aspect of my life since that night was taking over, pressuring me to keep quiet, at least until I could figure things out.

Spencer saw me and did his best impression of someone trying to sit up. The genuine joy on his face made me want to melt. He held out his hands for me to pick him up and I happily obliged. He looked at me with those big blue eyes, clearly inherited from his mother and grinned his toothy grin.

"Are you going to say goodnight Spencer? We need to get you to bed Mister." Grudgingly, Nikolas had moved him to the adjoining room.

"Nite mama," he managed before being whisked away into his bedroom.

I had to sit.

Mama. Spencer had called me Mama. More thoughts to roll around in my head, more things to confuse me. Mama? Could I be Spencer's mom? Could I be anyone's mom at all?

"You okay?" Nikolas asked, breaking me out of my trance. I had been out of it awhile, as he had managed to put Spencer to bed without me noticing.

"Can you sit down?" I asked him.

He complied, sitting down beside me on the bed. I tried to avoid his gaze. "What's going on?" he asked.

"I haven't really told you everything," I managed. "And I didn't mean to keep things from you, I just. . . I didn't know how to tell you."

"What is it?" he asked, not impatiently.

I took his hand, and laced his fingers through mine, then brought them to my stomach.

"I'm pregnant," I managed. He didn't jump up and down like I expected, yelling or whooping of celebrating, he just tightened his grip on my hand.

This time when I looked up, I saw tears in Nikolas' eyes.

Soon after we both climbed into bed, exhausted from the weeks events. He put his arm around me, one hand sitting gently on my stomach. I didn't speak, but allowed myself to really be enveloped in his arms.

And slowly we drifted off, one after another into a dream world. I had so many more questions and anxieties, it just didn't seem that important, not now.

"I love you," Nikolas whispered once I had started to fall asleep. Drowsily I turned to him.

"I love you too." I paused and closed my eyes. "We're going to make it through this, aren't we?"

"We are," he whispered. "I promise, we are."

And for the first time in what seemed like forever, I feel asleep in my fiancés arms.


End file.
